i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
