Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
