i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
