those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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