Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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