i don't plan on having that self control this summer
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
