She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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