This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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