JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i may or may not be watching the land before time
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
