when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you would pick up someone in the library
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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