I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
