maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
