There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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