You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
