Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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