How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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