I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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