yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
