Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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