Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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