The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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