she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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