the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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