literally had 100 drinks last night.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize