The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
