My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
