we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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