He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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