I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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