We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
