Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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