Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
