whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
