On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
