Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
