3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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