Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
