omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
