im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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