Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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