I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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