Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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