What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
