i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
