someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
