i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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