the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
