Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
