He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
