He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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