i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
soo... how was my night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
