I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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