My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
